I love you.
I love you being around me all the time. No. Not all the time. In fact, that’s why I love you even more. You don’t always care for me. I mean, at all. Sometimes you don’t give a shit about me. You just wander around in my room, sometimes you’re actually hiding. Not from me in particular, but from everything. You just go behind the clothes (you shouldn’t do that, by the way), lay down there and just sleep. Sleep all day.
But I’m in the room and I know that you’re behind the clothes sleeping. And I love you for that. I love you for not giving a fuck about me. Your best state is when you just don’t give a crap that I’m there. You’re just minding your own business, not even looking at me. And for some reason I love that.
I wonder why that is. Probably because other times, when you actually come up to me and jump in my lap (while I’m trying to play through DOOM II for god’s sake), I feel real attraction. Mainly because I see the contrast between your two states. Or, no. That’s not it.
That cannot be it because that would mean that you don’t really love me half the time, but I know that’s not true. I feel real attraction for you precisely because I know you love me all the time, no matter what you or I do. I mean, most of the time I’m trying too hard loving you. I go up to you when you sleep on the furniture, and I stroke you. I stroke you and pat you with all my heart – I used to put my big ugly face on your beautiful soft fur, just to show you how much I need you. And you are really annoyed these times. You don’t want me there, especially not my head resting on your whole tiny body. Most of the time I’m just loving you too much. I know, but it’s really hard to resist.
And it’s not because you’re a cute animal with big eyes and tiny nose and nice fur. It’s not like that at all. You’re much more than that. You mean much, much more to me than that. The way you don’t care, the way you just live next to me. The way our lives are just happening at the same time, in the same place, without any further interaction. That means something for me. The fact that we can live next to each other without a problem. The fact that you tolerate me. I’m not like that; as I said, I love you really much. But I love you because you tolerate me. And that feeling of being okay for someone – someone like you – is one of the greatest feelings.
I’m okay for you. You’re okay with me being there. And you don’t want to make a fuss about our relationship. I’m the one who does that, but I’m just a stupid human being, unable to control my feelings. And you… you’re just a cat. A simple, calm cat. When at night you’re already sleeping in my bed and I lay myself down next to you, and when in that moment you don’t go away – that’s the moment when I know I made it. That’s the best thing you can give to me. The biggest gift of all. The gift of love: not caring, not giving a fuck, just being okay with me without any preconceptions, any expectations. Just being there next to me all the time. I don’t need anything else in my life. Just someone being there next to me, lying in the bed careless. Like my cat.